The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Well, Jesse and I have done everything we can do... Now is the time when we sit back, wait, and hope... To say that abdicating control is hard for me is the understatement of the year. However, I have no choice in the matter. I need to accept that there are some things I can't control, I can only do my best to influence... All of the information I've read on various medical websites say that it can take anywhere from seven to ten days from fertilization of the egg to implantation, which means, if Jesse and I did conceive, we still have a week to wait to see if the egg implants. That's a lot of "if's". Also, staggeringly scary, but something like 20% of fertilized eggs never implant, so even if the egg is fertilized, we may not get pregnant. At the absolute earliest, I wouldn't see signs of pregnancy until next Thursday or Friday. *sigh...

I hate surprises. HAAAATE them. Even "good" surprises... for instance, if Jesse tells me he bought me my birthday or Festivus present, I need to know what it is. I'll obsess about what it is. And then he must tell me. I actually have physical issues with not knowing, like stomach queasiness or panicky feelings. It's a problem... most likely related to something in my childhood (isn't everything?). Whatever the cause, ambiguity stresses me out.

I was asked, "What would you do differently if you knew if you were pregnant right now?" The sick (and sad) thing is that the answer is, absolutely nothing. Knowing if this "took" or didn't wouldn't change the fact that Jesse and I are squirreling away money, organizing the house (especially the still-unpacked boxes upon boxes of books in the basement), and generally getting mentally prepared to be parents. Even so, if a question is asked, I need to know the answer. And the question here is, "Am I going to be pregnant?"

Now, I know that it is physically impossible for me to be pregnant right now. Even if Jesse and I timed everything correctly, at the absolute most the egg is fertilized, but still in the fallopian tube. And yet, because I'm mildly (heh) obsessive when I fixate on something, at every little twinge I think, "Is that a symptom?" I felt a little twinge in my stomach, and immediately thought it was something. Turns out, it was... it was a symptom of having to go to the bathroom. Nice.

At the same time, I'm really really trying to enjoy these weeks though... if everything did take the first time out of the gate, these will be the last weeks of life like this... everything's going to change the moment the stick turns blue. These next few weeks may be the last that Jesse and I aren't "parents." Freaky, huh?