Reflections on Mommyhood

I love Jackson so much. And when he's in the sling, all cuddled up next to me, looking as cute as he is in this picture, well... it's just the best. But we got this picture because he won't allow me to put him down much during the day. So far, everything is exactly what I expected, yet it's much harder than I thought it would be. I'm tired all the time, and that makes it harder to get the energy to go places, especially knowing he's going to want to eat as soon as we get there (which, when you're going to the grocery store, or Target, makes it interesting). When Jack cries and I can't figure out why, or I can get him to finally stop crying after walking around, and then we sit down, only to have Jack cry as soon as we sit... it's challenging to say the least.

I keep reminding myself that Jack's only six weeks old, that it will get easier in some ways when Jack can sit up or play on his own, or sleep for longer stretches at night. And once he smiles, I know it will melt my heart. But in the meantime...

We do mat time, and tummy time, and Jack will let me put him in his swing for a time, but those times are really just about long enough to do a part of a chore (like getting the laundry together, or switching the laundry, or getting undressed for a shower but not actually showering). He does sleep in his crib at night, which I guess is the important thing, but he typically only sleeps for a three to four hour stretch at a time.

We don't know all of his cries or fussies - it seems like he's always hungry. At least once or twice a day (not every feeding though) I'll feed him, and he'll fall asleep after eating, but if you move him, Jack wakes up and fusses, and will eat again (rinse lather and repeat). It doesn't seem like he can always be so hungry but he'll fuss and fuss until he gets a Boobie Snax, making me think that it has to be hungry (and he doesn't suckle, he actually sucks, but only for a few minutes). Plus, those middle of the night feedings are so hard, especially when he only sleeps for a couple of hours instead of four or five hours. When he cries, and I can't figure out why or help him to stop, it's so stressful. And the fact that he eats every two hours makes it difficult to leave the house to run errands because as soon as we get our stuff together, leave the house, and arrive anywhere, Jack's hungry again.

There are times when I get so frustrated and stressed - I put him down to take a shower, and somewhere in between getting into the shower and getting out (ten minutes or less), Jackson goes from asleep or awake but fine to crying his fool head off as though I've ripped his fingernails out one at a time. The worst is that the rash I had before Jack was born is still sticking around, and I need to apply a cream to it several times daily. At night it's fine, because I can give Jack to Jesse. But I have to listen to Jack screaming for the ten or fifteen minutes it takes to slather myself and then get dressed. Same goes for eating lunch. I tried to do it with Jack in the sling, but I got food on his head (hee hee!) and didn't want to try it again after that.

I feel so worn out, and like I have no other focus other than feeding, changing, or holding Jack. I feel disconnected - from myself, from friends, from the world... I feel uninvolved with everything. If I was going to remain a stay at home mother, I'd look into classes we could take together (music, story time at a library...). But knowing I'm going back to work in six weeks, it seems silly to get involved with something for such a short period of time. I wonder if things will change a bit when I go back to work, and I have that part of my life back again and Jack has day care... at least we can make friends with the parents of Jack's classmates. Yet at the same time I'm dreading going back to work - I'm torn between feeling trapped by Jack's needs, but not wanting to miss time with him.

And then... I look into his adorable face, or smell his head, and it all seems worth it somehow...